Growing up Gay. Scars that turn into Spikes.

The younger years of our lives shape our neural pathways, and influence our behavior and attitudes for the rest of our lives. A renowned psychiatrist once said: "give me a boy at 7 and Ill give you the man at 47"  Your personality is strongly set from an early age and our experiences and upbringing leave indelible marks on our psyche forever.

Sometimes when i'm alone laying in bed I think about the choices I've made, a snide remark here, a mean look there, A cruel outburst on an unsuspecting service worker.Whatever the reason I usually regret it. The Machiavellian plotting I've done, or the backhanded compliments I've given all come rushing back to me reminding me what a bitch I am. I hate it.

Sometimes exploring the inner machinations that drive our own actions takes us to places in the past or theoretical events in our future. For me it's always the same two places. One of them in days gone by, the other at a point in my distant future.

Sometime in September of 2002-- Exit the bus, enter the building. Scan the hallway for important things: overt threats, escape routes, and access to help. Continue to homeroom, look back: Scan again for concealed threats, anyone that looks innocent is probably part of a scheme to humiliate or hurt you. The usual culprits are given first priority, place distance between yourself and them. Anyone you don't recognize can be analyzed later.


Sometime in the 2050s--Relaxing on the front porch of a small home deep in the country, watching the sunset. The dogs play in the grass chasing one another. Look next to you:  An empty chair.


Sometimes I hate everyone. I hate everyone that looks at me the wrong way, their tone of voice is off. Are they trying to ridicule me like they did? Do they think I'm  a piece of fag trash? I will show them.This bitter anger towards the world eats through me like a bubbling, toxic, caustic solution.

 It seeps out of me when I sleep and washes over my eyes. I wake up to ash and dust, breath in the chemicals. Turn on the news: it  looks like the apocalypse is imminent. Concentration camps, experiments against humanity, I bet I'll wind up in a gas chamber before too long. Sip my chemical brew of coffee, the titanium dioxide and tetrazine 102 seep into my cells. Heat up some toast, the genetically modified strands of wheat DNA bind to and sabotage my cellular structures effectively securing my chance of getting cancer someday.

Pulling into the parking garage at the debt trap that is college. That bitch walking down the stairs in front of me is the same cunt who cut me off earlier in traffic. She's fat. Honking wasn't enough. She needs punished. Let her know she is a rude bitch of a woman. Call her out on her disgusting physique. Ruin her morning.

Suffer through a class I hate. I'm paying for this? This windbag of a professor is a foreign piece of trash, he goes home and laughs at me. I'm becoming an indentured wage slave and my borrowed money goes into his pocket.

Get home, resent my mother for not being supportive. Retreat into my room, think about all the ways the world could end, worry about earthquakes, and home invasions. Delude myself into thinking I'm justified in my outlook on life.

Lay in bed at night and hate myself for not appreciating the great life I have.

Each day follows a similar blueprint.

Breaking this cycle sometimes seems impossible.Its like bleaching the brain, rewiring the neural patterns that have etched their way through my cortex for years.

I need to break the cycle. I pray that one day I'll be free. I wont be the little gay boy looking for an escape from the bullies or plotting his revenge. I'll get there, I hope I don't lose the people I care about in the meantime. The scars have turned into spikes and I need to remove them.

Shabby-Chic: My Style Evolution

Perhaps the biggest influence on my current style is my experience as a student in the sciences. I am a creative soul trapped in a quantitative world of equations, numbers, diagrams, theorems, and constants.

The regrets I may or may not have about choosing my current field aside, I realized that almost everyone is finding themselves in this "grid" of numbers. Everything is quantized, measured, recorded, analyzed, and controlled. There is very little about our lives that is organic anymore. Exponential increases in technology and steady urbanization has moved the majority of our populations into cities. Rigid landscapes of organized streets, asphalt wastelands, and concrete buildings.

 As you return from working in your cubicle to your home in the suburbs you climb into a 3-ton block of  steel and glass and sit with a thousand other 3 ton blocks for hours. 

Until you get home and pop in a pre-packaged meal... cooking it from the inside out as the atoms of the preservatives of 3-tert-butyl-4-hydoxyanisole and 2-tert-butyl-4-hydroxanisole speed up and super-heat themselves as they are struck by radio waves of roughly 2.45 gigahertz.

 You set your alarm to wake up up at a precise minute in time the next morning and you begin it all over again.

 I understand the benefits of technology and progress, however I still live in place in my mind where Tiger Lilly's line sunny dirt roads and where you wake up with the natural circadian rhythms nature gave you, rising up to greet the sun and blue skies.

After work you can return to a hot meal cooked with ingredients that your grandmother would recognize. Finally falling into night's indigo hue in a bed full of soft feather-filled silk pillows. 

This crumpled linen looks absolutely heavenly.

I know life is not made up of sugar, vanilla and lavender but it should be. It is a sad truth that it isn't and never will be. So we should endeavor to make it so at least in the sanctuary of our own homes. The cold and ugliness so happy to rear its head outside our front stoops has no business going an centimeter further. 

Any designer will tell you that their personal style is defined by their inspirations and by their experiences. I am not a professional interior designer, however my personal style is definitely that was certainly defined by the latter. I have always had a lover affair with white; clean, fresh, pure. It is also sterile and cold, as a counterbalance incorporating pastel hues if pink, blue, and purple warm things up.

This is where my inspiration comes from. Creating a place that is yours. Where you are safe and happy. Whatever that might be. For myself it is A loving partner and a beautiful, organic safe haven. Gary Snyder said it best: "Nature is not a place to visit, it is home". 

This idea is one of the hallmarks of the shabby-chic design philosophy. For my own brand of shabby-chic I draw inspiration frequently from designers like Rachel Ashwell. Although my childhood is probably my biggest inspiration. I spent my carefree youth in the green rolling hills of southeast Ohio. Roads lined with wildflowers and massive, ancient trees with lush green canopies and sweet-scented orchards filled with ripe fruit. Summertime in Ohio and my childhood home is still a frequent image that flashes through my mind almost daily. I drew on this and still do when I decorate my home. 

My old front yard

Below are some photos of my room, I used a pastel and relaxing pink on the walls and incorporated the things that I thought were beautiful and yet functional. 

Candle Holder and vintage books.

A beautiful memento box.

Butterflies and Flowers just make me happy

Stationary is another thing I have a penchant for collecting

I love baking sweets, these cookbooks just look yummy

Another view of my room.

Gorgeous french-provincial shelf.

Soft white furniture and appliances, peach walls, flowers, vanilla candles, and pretty french style shelves make up my home life. They are beautiful and functional. I treasure them and you should find what is beautiful to you and treasure that. Remember what is most important though. The people who care about us and want positive things for us are what really matters. To me it is my loving, supportive partner who always does what he can to make my life better. He is my rock and I love him, soon we will be taking on the world together and I can't wait to make a home together with him. Remember the important things: Love, Home, Health, and Family.   

Googie Architecture: A reflection of the space age.

I suspect I'm not alone when I say that I am fascinated by the 1950s. The Eisenhower Era was one where major plot lines such as the atomic age, space age and the golden Hollywood age coalesced to form a very interesting and unforgettable chapter in the book of history, specifically American history. One can not help but be nostalgic for the images of 5 cent glass Coke bottles, pink Cadillacs, and legends of Hollywood swirling on the black and white screens of yesterday. The 50s were a cheerful pastel melange of new modern convenience, carefree consumerism, car culture, and renewed artistic attitudes that were badly craved in the immediate post WWII era. Abstract expressionism gained recognition in this period with noted artists such as William de Kooning, Jackson Polluck, and Franz Kline. All of these elements are reflected in the very distinctive architecture now labeled as "50s style" architecture which originated in southern California during the late 40s.


The Googie style buildings featured bold angles, pastel cheery colors, cantilevered roofs, large plate glass windows and pop culture imagery. Imagine "The Jetsons" meets real life. Some famous structures still exist, including the Theme building at LAX airport and the Space Needle (arguably our country's greatest needle) In Seattle. Unfortunately most contemporary architecture schools of thought regard Googie style buildings as too flashy and frivolous. In the 90s some effort was made to preserve famous buildings with this style however it remains a rare sight today.

"Femmephobia" in the Gay Comminity

"Femmephobia is the devaluation, fear and hatred of the feminine: of softness, nurturance, dependence, emotions, passivity, sensitivity, grace, innocence and the color pink."

In a previous post I have discussed some of my past experiences about being bullied and ridiculed for being a gay youth. Most of the bullying occurred during the 7th grade. However I was not out to a single soul until the age of 16 and even then it was not by a conscience choice. So why were these disgusting pejorative terms for homosexuals flung my way at such an early age before I was out? The few peers that I had who were not homophobic questioned me with genuine curiosity; "Why do you act so girly? Are you gay? Are you a girl dressed like a boy?" Even though some of these questions where genuine interest and not meant to upset me, I began to associate my inherent femininity (which felt as natural to me as the air I breathe) with the constant badgering that I received from my classmates. With any effeminate tendency I observed in myself being intrinsically linked to the emotional trauma of being verbally and sometimes physically assaulted on a daily basis. I could only conclude that I was defective. Often, a defective item or appliance has no utility and should be discarded. I eventually began to see why the others treated me so poorly. I felt they were justified. I hated myself for how I acted and felt and I hated them all the more for pointing it out to me. Eventually at 19 I began to finally be comfortable with most people in my life knowing. I had buried my true self pretty deep and still might have well had been in the closet because I still had a very low opinion of myself.

At this point I had zero experience with the gay community and only had straight friends.I thought when I did meet some other gay people that they would understand me and I could let my true self out. After all these people must have had some similar experiences. So surely they wont mind if I like the color pink, gardening, baking, interior design, and  wearing lip-gloss right?

Unfortunately my experience with trying to date and get to know my gay peers eerily mirrored my past experiences. Gay men would tell me time and again..."no offense but you sound like a chick it's such a turn off"  Or the ever so popular "sorry I only date straight acting guys" or even "ugh your so hot but your just not masculine enough bro.." If you were to go to an online dating site it is almost guaranteed to be chalk full of pejoratives against the feminine or overweight.  I always felt that masculine and feminine energies are completely independent of gender and really do make for great relationships. Now I understand that there are personal preferences at play here and absolutely everyone is entitled to theirs, I myself am more secure and aroused by masculine qualities however as a community that has gone through hell and back and know the power of rejection and hurtful words the least we could do is exercise some tact when explaining what we want and need.After a few good years of rejection I felt just as guarded and insecure as ever about opening myself up to any more potential partners. I pushed the real me even farther into the shadows. It was only relatively recently that a loving man came into my life and began to create a place for me to be who I am. We feel that out different energies make us more balanced and complete...a yin and yang sort of concept. I am continually grateful to God for bringing this Man into my life.

Now that this is all off my chest I believe that it is important to at least explore why it is such a problem with society for the feminine to be allowed to manifest itself. It begs the question that if a girl can wear jeans and cut their hair short why can't a guy can't wear pink and use makeup? Because its ok to be a boy but its degrading to be a girl? Gender aside I think that our culture puts masculinity on a pedestal but at what cost?

I am finding my way back to myself and my heart goes out to others like myself who might feel ostracized by the gay community. All I can tell you is that there is a man out there that will love you for you as cliché as it sounds it's the most accurate and simple way of putting it. Remember there is one and ONLY one of you. We owe it to ourselves to embrace who we are, because our time in this world is finite and fleeting.

Cycle of Despair. Bullying

As a gay person growing up in a rural town where most families held traditional blue collar values dear. I experienced a great deal of homophobia. I was occasionally chided for my soft spoken, dodge-ball phobic attitude in elementary school. This was in the 90s and even though my peers at the time knew that somehow I was different they did not have the capacity to understand the concept of gay, lesbian, trans-gender, etc. anymore than I myself did. Then I reached the 6th grade. I was home schooled during the 6th grade because my Mother did not want me to be re-zoned into a new district. After a year of only my young siblings to socialize with I grew to crave the interaction with people my own age. So after some initial hesitation My mother re-enrolled me into Middle School. Looking back I see that my Mother was reluctant but perhaps not because it was a distantly zoned school but perhaps she was simply afraid for me. I began the 7th grade a peppy, bright eyed, and nervous tween. I was worried about making friends. I knew that I would encounter many of my old classmates from elementary school and I was excited to see them again. When I walked into homeroom that first day the group of kids I left behind in grade school was not the same group of kids that sat before me.

The next 180 days would be some of the hardest emotionally for me in my life. The bullying was an insidious thing It crept up slowly first starting with a few volatile individuals to almost everyone. Like a cancer metastasizing through the body. By the middle of the year I was hated, teased, shoved, and "picked last". To all but a very few I was persona non-Grata...person not welcome. Fag, queer, retard, pervert, and weird were the only words I heard directed towards me. I never once admitted to my homosexuality. I wasn't able to hide my more effeminate features and I guess it was obvious. I had a small handful of people who were also outcasts I felt safe to at least eat lunch with although I never really connected to them. I hated myself. I hated them. I felt like I was trapped in a cage. When I remember the 7th grade I feel like I'm remembering entire years of my life, not 36 weeks. I never told my parents out of shame the true extent of my anxiety. At this point I was still in the closet to everyone but myself. Although looking back I beleive that deep down my parents knew but were in denial.

I was blessed with a move to Florida with my family and a fresh start as I started 8th grade. Since it was a new state and a new city my Mother opted to home school my siblings and I a few years. I returned to public school in the 11th grade so that I could have a shot at the scholarships available to public school students. I spent my junior and senior years being the everything I had grown to hate about my tormentors in middle school. I dug in my heels and used my words to cut people down with a bratty snipe that makes Regina George look like Mother Theresa. I was so afraid of turning into the scared, battered, little boy I used to be that I took on a persona that I used to survive and I still struggle with that identity to this day. I take responsibility for the things I said and not justifying my actions. I will only say past experiences influence a person's decision making.Would I have taken on such a bitchy and condescending attitude out of insecurity if I myself hadn't been subjected to it? Perhaps and Perhaps not. Through self reflection and just plain maturity, I have distanced myself from that persona. It resurfaces at times and I still have more to say on this matter. I will post more later. part of the reason for this blog is to not only to share my experiences and thoughts with others but also to help me learn about myself too. Lets learn some things together.

Indoor Living

Think about where you spend the most time. Is it your office? Your bedroom? Your kitchen? Regardless of which of these places you find yourself in the most they all have one thing in common. They are inside. You are surrounded by walls, items, and furniture. According to the E.P.A. the average American spends 87% of their time indoors with 69% of that time in their home and another 18% percent elsewhere? (much of it likely at work or school). So seeing that the average person spends almost 90% of their time inside, the idea of spending that time in a beautiful space seems all that more pertinent. Interior design seems less like something for artist types and more like something that should be embraced by the average Joe when you look at it in those terms. I encourage anyone who is curious to learn a little bit about the different styles, there are many that may suit you. The best option is really getting your feet wet and then developing a unique style all your own because like art, the beauty of an interior space is subjective. Here is a link to the top 100 interior design blogs. Just about each blog takes a unique approach to interiors that may suit you. Soon I will be discussing my own style of interior design and how my tastes have evolved over the years so stay tuned.

Inexpensive Light and Airy Decorating Ideas.

I have recently transformed my bedroom from a dark, somewhat claustrophobic space into a much lighter, spacious, and clean place. I want to share my ideas with anyone who may be fed up with the doom and gloom and be ready for a fresh perceptive! Beginning in the early 2000s a trend emerged that made generous use of dark browns, grays, chocolates and beiges. The time has come to shed the bleak military barracks color pallet and swap it out for something original and timeless and specifically in this article LIGHT. I am going to outline the essential steps to transforming the look of your room to a light and fresh space on the cheap! *Note all posted photographs are my personal work and results. Enjoy!

Step #1.) Paint your walls! Possibly the most important and drastic change you can make to a room is paint. If you have darker walls like I did (mine were dark brown) You will want a cheap white primer, (Glidden  brand at Walmart can be purchased for $10-$12) and a high quality paint color of your choice. I recommend pastel shades to achieve a more open and fresh look. The absolute best brand I have come across is Benjamin Moore. They have and enormous selection at decent prices. Remember the basics of painting, prepping with painter's tape and doing the trim first etc. *The color you see in this photo is Benjamin Moore's Sweet Salmon (#2167-60)

Step #2) Paint and refinish your furniture. Lets face it. Furniture is expensive and buying new furniture that matches the color pallet of your home is not economical unless you have cash to burn. DISCLAIMER: This step may not be for everyone, it requires serious dedication, time, and patience. If you are happy with the look of your furniture then by all means disregard this step. When going for a timeless and light feel painting your dark furniture a brilliant white tends to yield stunning results. OK if you are still reading here is what you need to know. #1 SAND. #2 PRIME. #3 PAINT. Regardless of whether you are using a sponge roller (personally recommended) or spray paint sanding and priming is absolutely ESSENTIAL. Take it from someone who learned the hard way. This step can be trickier on particle board furniture but amazing results are still completely achievable. Detailed instructions on refinishing particleboard furniture can be found here: http://www.ehow.com/how_5247114_refinish-particle-board-furniture.html OK, you may be thinking that this all sounds like a lot of supplies and therefor a lot of dinero. However. In this step you are bringing new life to your furniture which will allow you to keep the furniture looking new longer at a fraction of the cost of purchasing brand new items which today cost a lot even at "affordable" stores.

*All Photos below are my personal Work. left is before and right is after.

 Before End table (particleboard)

Step 3.) Little Accessories. What you can't paint a lighter color you can buy for cheap at places like Ross Dress For Less or TJ Max or even places like goodwill in the home sections. Examples of accessories include things like wall prints, mirrors, picture frames, little items that should match your over color palate (if your into color coordinating that is!) Also big ticket items like couches and chairs can be cheaply refinished with slipcovers in the colors of your choice. There are many home goods retailers which sell universal slipcovers.

The Accessories like the Parisian Books and Candle Holders were purchased at Ross at incredible discount of $11-$15 a piece which is roughly 1/3 the cost at many upscale home goods retailers.

A final piece of advice....Although this article was geared toward transforming a room from a darker, more serious tone to a lighter, more open feel it is more important to decorate how YOU like it. Following trends is overrated do what makes you happy.