"Femmephobia is the devaluation, fear and hatred of the feminine: of softness, nurturance, dependence, emotions, passivity, sensitivity, grace, innocence and the color pink."
In a previous post I have discussed some of my past experiences about being bullied and ridiculed for being a gay youth. Most of the bullying occurred during the 7th grade. However I was not out to a single soul until the age of 16 and even then it was not by a conscience choice. So why were these disgusting pejorative terms for homosexuals flung my way at such an early age before I was out? The few peers that I had who were not homophobic questioned me with genuine curiosity; "Why do you act so girly? Are you gay? Are you a girl dressed like a boy?" Even though some of these questions where genuine interest and not meant to upset me, I began to associate my inherent femininity (which felt as natural to me as the air I breathe) with the constant badgering that I received from my classmates. With any effeminate tendency I observed in myself being intrinsically linked to the emotional trauma of being verbally and sometimes physically assaulted on a daily basis. I could only conclude that I was defective. Often, a defective item or appliance has no utility and should be discarded. I eventually began to see why the others treated me so poorly. I felt they were justified. I hated myself for how I acted and felt and I hated them all the more for pointing it out to me. Eventually at 19 I began to finally be comfortable with most people in my life knowing. I had buried my true self pretty deep and still might have well had been in the closet because I still had a very low opinion of myself.
At this point I had zero experience with the gay community and only had straight friends.I thought when I did meet some other gay people that they would understand me and I could let my true self out. After all these people must have had some similar experiences. So surely they wont mind if I like the color pink, gardening, baking, interior design, and wearing lip-gloss right?
Unfortunately my experience with trying to date and get to know my gay peers eerily mirrored my past experiences. Gay men would tell me time and again..."no offense but you sound like a chick it's such a turn off" Or the ever so popular "sorry I only date straight acting guys" or even "ugh your so hot but your just not masculine enough bro.." If you were to go to an online dating site it is almost guaranteed to be chalk full of pejoratives against the feminine or overweight. I always felt that masculine and feminine energies are completely independent of gender and really do make for great relationships. Now I understand that there are personal preferences at play here and absolutely everyone is entitled to theirs, I myself am more secure and aroused by masculine qualities however as a community that has gone through hell and back and know the power of rejection and hurtful words the least we could do is exercise some tact when explaining what we want and need.After a few good years of rejection I felt just as guarded and insecure as ever about opening myself up to any more potential partners. I pushed the real me even farther into the shadows. It was only relatively recently that a loving man came into my life and began to create a place for me to be who I am. We feel that out different energies make us more balanced and complete...a yin and yang sort of concept. I am continually grateful to God for bringing this Man into my life.
Now that this is all off my chest I believe that it is important to at least explore why it is such a problem with society for the feminine to be allowed to manifest itself. It begs the question that if a girl can wear jeans and cut their hair short why can't a guy can't wear pink and use makeup? Because its ok to be a boy but its degrading to be a girl? Gender aside I think that our culture puts masculinity on a pedestal but at what cost?
I am finding my way back to myself and my heart goes out to others like myself who might feel ostracized by the gay community. All I can tell you is that there is a man out there that will love you for you as cliché as it sounds it's the most accurate and simple way of putting it. Remember there is one and ONLY one of you. We owe it to ourselves to embrace who we are, because our time in this world is finite and fleeting.
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