"Femmephobia" in the Gay Comminity

"Femmephobia is the devaluation, fear and hatred of the feminine: of softness, nurturance, dependence, emotions, passivity, sensitivity, grace, innocence and the color pink."

In a previous post I have discussed some of my past experiences about being bullied and ridiculed for being a gay youth. Most of the bullying occurred during the 7th grade. However I was not out to a single soul until the age of 16 and even then it was not by a conscience choice. So why were these disgusting pejorative terms for homosexuals flung my way at such an early age before I was out? The few peers that I had who were not homophobic questioned me with genuine curiosity; "Why do you act so girly? Are you gay? Are you a girl dressed like a boy?" Even though some of these questions where genuine interest and not meant to upset me, I began to associate my inherent femininity (which felt as natural to me as the air I breathe) with the constant badgering that I received from my classmates. With any effeminate tendency I observed in myself being intrinsically linked to the emotional trauma of being verbally and sometimes physically assaulted on a daily basis. I could only conclude that I was defective. Often, a defective item or appliance has no utility and should be discarded. I eventually began to see why the others treated me so poorly. I felt they were justified. I hated myself for how I acted and felt and I hated them all the more for pointing it out to me. Eventually at 19 I began to finally be comfortable with most people in my life knowing. I had buried my true self pretty deep and still might have well had been in the closet because I still had a very low opinion of myself.

At this point I had zero experience with the gay community and only had straight friends.I thought when I did meet some other gay people that they would understand me and I could let my true self out. After all these people must have had some similar experiences. So surely they wont mind if I like the color pink, gardening, baking, interior design, and  wearing lip-gloss right?

Unfortunately my experience with trying to date and get to know my gay peers eerily mirrored my past experiences. Gay men would tell me time and again..."no offense but you sound like a chick it's such a turn off"  Or the ever so popular "sorry I only date straight acting guys" or even "ugh your so hot but your just not masculine enough bro.." If you were to go to an online dating site it is almost guaranteed to be chalk full of pejoratives against the feminine or overweight.  I always felt that masculine and feminine energies are completely independent of gender and really do make for great relationships. Now I understand that there are personal preferences at play here and absolutely everyone is entitled to theirs, I myself am more secure and aroused by masculine qualities however as a community that has gone through hell and back and know the power of rejection and hurtful words the least we could do is exercise some tact when explaining what we want and need.After a few good years of rejection I felt just as guarded and insecure as ever about opening myself up to any more potential partners. I pushed the real me even farther into the shadows. It was only relatively recently that a loving man came into my life and began to create a place for me to be who I am. We feel that out different energies make us more balanced and complete...a yin and yang sort of concept. I am continually grateful to God for bringing this Man into my life.

Now that this is all off my chest I believe that it is important to at least explore why it is such a problem with society for the feminine to be allowed to manifest itself. It begs the question that if a girl can wear jeans and cut their hair short why can't a guy can't wear pink and use makeup? Because its ok to be a boy but its degrading to be a girl? Gender aside I think that our culture puts masculinity on a pedestal but at what cost?

I am finding my way back to myself and my heart goes out to others like myself who might feel ostracized by the gay community. All I can tell you is that there is a man out there that will love you for you as cliché as it sounds it's the most accurate and simple way of putting it. Remember there is one and ONLY one of you. We owe it to ourselves to embrace who we are, because our time in this world is finite and fleeting.

Cycle of Despair. Bullying

As a gay person growing up in a rural town where most families held traditional blue collar values dear. I experienced a great deal of homophobia. I was occasionally chided for my soft spoken, dodge-ball phobic attitude in elementary school. This was in the 90s and even though my peers at the time knew that somehow I was different they did not have the capacity to understand the concept of gay, lesbian, trans-gender, etc. anymore than I myself did. Then I reached the 6th grade. I was home schooled during the 6th grade because my Mother did not want me to be re-zoned into a new district. After a year of only my young siblings to socialize with I grew to crave the interaction with people my own age. So after some initial hesitation My mother re-enrolled me into Middle School. Looking back I see that my Mother was reluctant but perhaps not because it was a distantly zoned school but perhaps she was simply afraid for me. I began the 7th grade a peppy, bright eyed, and nervous tween. I was worried about making friends. I knew that I would encounter many of my old classmates from elementary school and I was excited to see them again. When I walked into homeroom that first day the group of kids I left behind in grade school was not the same group of kids that sat before me.

The next 180 days would be some of the hardest emotionally for me in my life. The bullying was an insidious thing It crept up slowly first starting with a few volatile individuals to almost everyone. Like a cancer metastasizing through the body. By the middle of the year I was hated, teased, shoved, and "picked last". To all but a very few I was persona non-Grata...person not welcome. Fag, queer, retard, pervert, and weird were the only words I heard directed towards me. I never once admitted to my homosexuality. I wasn't able to hide my more effeminate features and I guess it was obvious. I had a small handful of people who were also outcasts I felt safe to at least eat lunch with although I never really connected to them. I hated myself. I hated them. I felt like I was trapped in a cage. When I remember the 7th grade I feel like I'm remembering entire years of my life, not 36 weeks. I never told my parents out of shame the true extent of my anxiety. At this point I was still in the closet to everyone but myself. Although looking back I beleive that deep down my parents knew but were in denial.

I was blessed with a move to Florida with my family and a fresh start as I started 8th grade. Since it was a new state and a new city my Mother opted to home school my siblings and I a few years. I returned to public school in the 11th grade so that I could have a shot at the scholarships available to public school students. I spent my junior and senior years being the everything I had grown to hate about my tormentors in middle school. I dug in my heels and used my words to cut people down with a bratty snipe that makes Regina George look like Mother Theresa. I was so afraid of turning into the scared, battered, little boy I used to be that I took on a persona that I used to survive and I still struggle with that identity to this day. I take responsibility for the things I said and not justifying my actions. I will only say past experiences influence a person's decision making.Would I have taken on such a bitchy and condescending attitude out of insecurity if I myself hadn't been subjected to it? Perhaps and Perhaps not. Through self reflection and just plain maturity, I have distanced myself from that persona. It resurfaces at times and I still have more to say on this matter. I will post more later. part of the reason for this blog is to not only to share my experiences and thoughts with others but also to help me learn about myself too. Lets learn some things together.